Posted on by ikram0408@gmail.com

Your Narrative…Your Life!!

We all love a good story!

Story telling is the social and cultural activity of sharing stories, they include plots, characters and narratives of different point of views. Storytelling can be seen as a foundation for learning and teaching. While the story listener is engaged, they are able to imagine new perspectives, inviting a transformative and empathetic experience. storytelling has a therapeutic and healing effect on both the storyteller and the listener.

Narrative Psychology

In the realm of narrative psychology, a person’s life story is not a Wikipedia biography of the facts and events of a life, but rather the way a person integrates those facts and events internally—picks them apart and weaves them back together to make meaning. This narrative becomes a form of identity, in which the things someone chooses to include in the story, and the way he/she tells it, can both reflect and shape who she/he is.  A life story doesn’t just say what happened, it says why it was important, and it gives an indication on one’s mental and emotional state, it is one’s perspective and own interpretation of what happened.

“Any creation of a narrative is a bit of a lie.”

THE AHA MOMENt

I consider myself as someone who has a pretty good sense of awareness , very conscious and experienced in shadow work , someone used to the ownership and responsibility of my own life events, however, I realised that the experience of trauma, can make our narration a bit distorted…I mean a lot distorted.

I have been working through past traumatic events using different tools and modalities from psychology and spirituality to energy , breath and sound healing, but as we all know, healing is not linear, we process, we release, and then the same issues circle back again for another round of introspection, forgiveness and letting go.

I was revisiting past events, as part of my morning journaling routine, and for the first time, I felt the veil was completely lifted, Then I had an AHA moment!! I was able to see my life from a completely different space. I saw the truth of past events, without self identification nor emotional attachment.

Fortunately, our story is not written in Ink, its written in chalk, and we own it, we are the writers, narrators and the main character.

How you arrange the plot points of your life into a narrative can shape who you are—and is a fundamental part of being human.

Julie Beck

The Ego Seeks Validation In A Hopeless Place

This was the hidden part for me, while I had the awareness of my own mental challenges, and I was doing my best to move past all the pain and suffering I have experienced, I kept repeating the same stories when I referred to my past … ” I was betrayed by ____”, “I was rejected by _______” , “I felt abandoned by ______”, ” _______made me feel that I am not enough” ” I did not feel heard, seen and understood by____”

I guess we can all recognise few negative patterns here;

There is always a third party involved in our story, it could be anyone, a parent, a partner, a friend, an organisation, a boss. Now if we ask ourselves, is this true? did the person consciously do that? did he have any other choices, considering his cognitive abilities, and his own wounds, and the projection of his pain body? the answer to these questions will always be negative, because no human being wants harm to another just for fun, we all act unconsciously and impulsively ,when our pain body is not healed.

The pain body is the energetic body that holds all our unhealed emotional memories. NOW the Shocking realisation, is the ego’s despair to feel validated, special and better than everyone else, makes us believe that if we could not be special by getting the love and attention , we can feel special by being the one with the most suffering and hurt, the one who had been rejected &…&…

The final truth is, the third party is not involved in our story, we are getting ourselves involved in his story in our attempt to be a HERO, while in fact “THE ONLY STORY WHERE WE SHOULD BE PLAYING HEROES OR HEROINS IS OUR OWN”

Final Thoughts / PRO TIPS

Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself’

jalaludin rumi

As someone who loves Rumi, his poetry, and wisdom, I came across this quote many times but I can say that similar to the Sufi tradition, this quote is multi-dimensional, it carries so much wisdom, on how to heal the self, how to cultivate self love, and how to let go of the illusions and tricks of the wounded ego.

Here are few tips:

  1. Work on cultivating a good healthy self love, give yourself the validation you seek, practice self care, make yourself a priority, be special in your own life because thats the only place you can be special. Everywhere else, work on dissolving your ego, and discipline him to be ordinary, one of billions, “a consciousness” part of the “collective consciousness”.

2. What is yours to carry? honor other people’s journey and level of consciousness, and move on with grace, compassion and love.

3. Don’t take yourself seriously? not everything is personal ! the universe does not evolve around you, and people have plenty to deal with. Not everything about you.

Our life narrative integrates our reconstructed past, perceived present, and imagined future. All three coexist at the same time. Hence, from an experiential standpoint, the past, present, and future are not separate and linear, but holistic and co- past, present, and future are all happening right now—at least in your mind.

When we change the meaning and narrative of our past, we simultaneously change the narrative of our present and future. we form our identity by integrating our life experiences into an internalised, evolving story of ourselves, which gives a sense of unity and purpose to our lives. Choose your narrative wisely, because that’s how you will be remembered! There is always a gain in the gap!

written by

ikram0408@gmail.com

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Posted on by ikram0408@gmail.com

The Peter Pan Syndrome

A look into the different mind stages

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We All know the story of “Peter Pan” as depicted in one of the most popular Disney movies, Peter Pan’s character is a metaphor that refers to the concept of not willing to grow up, in another word, “a child consciousness trapped in an adult body”

Although the concept is not clinically recognised as a mental illness, it is a pop-psychology term that has been used informally by both laypeople and some psychology professionals since the 1983 publication of :” The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up”, book by Dr. Dan Kiley.

How to define if someone suffers from Peter Pan Syndrome?

“All children, except one, grow up,” J. M. Barrie wrote in his 1911 novel “Peter and Wendy.” He was speaking of Peter Pan, the original boy who wouldn’t grow up.

The Peter-Pan psychological type is characterised by immaturity or certain sorts of psychological, social, and sexual problems. The type of personality in question is immature, his characteristics include attributes such as irresponsibility, rebelliousness, pottering about, anger, narcissism, dependency, manipulativeness, and the belief that he is beyond society’s laws and norms.

Most likely people with Peter pan syndrome were raised in a co-dependent dysfunctional family, lacking healthy boundaries.

Permissive and over-protective parenting styles are usually the main cause of this disorder. As the child reaches adulthood, he finds himself unable to cope with responsibilities.

According to Kiley, “Peter Pan” is the adult little boy who, when in a relationship, is looking for mothering.. The “Peter Pan” type partner is emotionally unavailable, he refuses to define or label the relation. He is avoidant to discussing long-term plans and lives for the day.

He also has difficulties with careers goals, a tendency to skip work when challenged or stressed, or to move jobs frequently due to the lack of motivation.

As a character, he is unreliable and flaky, with almost no control over his emotional outbursts, he expects others to take care of him, and shies away from taking decisions or making serious choices, in fact, such individual keeps his options open in relationships and in life. Due to his inability to handle conflicts or hardships, he usually relies on substances to escape his reality.

To summarise, Peter Pan syndrome is the “failing to launch” into adulthood. It is a stagnation of the child’s consciousness due to an emotional trauma, putting a halt on the child’s cognitive process.

A spiritual perspective on the stages of mind

Spirituality looks at individual development through the lens of the ego-soul dynamic: the growth and development of the ego, the alignment of the ego with the soul, and the activation of the soul consciousness. Thus we can define the below levels of consciousness:

  • The Survival consciousness (Root Chakra): the child at this stage is completely dependant on his parents to get his basic needs.
  • The Relationship consciousness (Sacral Chakra): at this stage, the child start relating to his loved ones, he needs to belong, to be loved and protected.
  • The Self-Esteem Consciousness (Solar plexus chakra): this level of consciousness is about feeling secure, feeling accepted and validated by our community, it is marked by social conditioning. 
  • The Transformation Consciousness (Heart Chakra): The fourth level of human consciousness is about finding freedom and autonomy. the need to discover one’s own identity beyond the parental programming and cultural conditioning , questions such as “Who am I?” and “What is important to me?” are the initiation to discover the true (soul) self.
  • Internal Cohesion Consciousness (throat chakra): The fifth level of human consciousness is about finding meaning in your life — finding what your soul came into the world to do. At this level of consciousness, the question is no longer “Who am I?” but “Why am I here in this body?” and “How can I fully express myself?”
  • Making a difference consciousness (Third Eye chakra) : The sixth level of human consciousness is about making a difference in the world — there is an understanding that the ability to fulfil your purpose is strongly conditioned by your ability to connect with others and facilitate the work of those who support you.
  • Service consciousness (Crown chakra): The seventh level is about selfless service to the cause or the work which allows you to use your gifts and talents — the work you were born to do. You reach this level of consciousness when making a difference becomes a way of life — when you surrender to your soul.

The first three stages of development involve establishing the ego as a viable, independent entity in its physical, social and cultural framework of existence. The fourth stage of development involves aligning the motivations of your ego with the motivations of your soul. The last three stages of development involve activating your soul’s consciousness.

The Healing Process

Healing modalities consider three fundamental stages of development of the psyche : 

  • The Child mindset stage , or the Peter Pan syndrome, corresponds to imbalances in the first three chakras, as a result of wounds experienced in childhood, which does not allow a healthy transition to adulthood. A healthy transition to adulthood occurs at the age of 22 for females and 30 for males, if an individual transits to adulthood but still have some unhealed wounds from childhood, he is usually in an over-corrected adulthood, such individuals are workaholics, over-achievers, or wild party animals. Belief and fear work is the way to go here, tackling wounds like safety, security, self-worth, self-esteem, anger, shame, guilt, self reliance allow these individuals to make it to the next stage.
  • The adult mind stage is linked to the heart and throat chakras, individuals at this stage are mature, independent, they discovered the voice of their soul, and they are crafting their self-concept, however, there is a tendency of unhealthy boundaries, and emotional imbalances, which cause them an energy drainage. working on self-love, unconditional love, balance ,releasing attachments and implementing healthy boundaries, facilitate their transition to the next stage.
  • The natural transition to the sage mindset, the last level of development, starts at the age of 40 in both genders. Sage individuals have an expansive consciousness, they are kind, loving and nurturing to others, while maintaining healthy boundaries. They are philanthropists, devoted to serve humanity, they feel a good sense of union with people and with the creator.

Generally! a good way to identify your mind stage, is to reflect on your triggers. additionally Knowing the mind stage of who is triggering you, will will provide an understanding of their wounds , making it easy to forgive and move on without holding grudges or resentment against them.

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Posted on by ikram0408@gmail.com

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

photo by Engin Aykurt – Unsplash

If you are a survivor of a trauma, or had a manipulative parent(s) or care taker(s), this subject is for you. If you are part of our traumatised world, this subject is definitely worth looking at.

Emotional Manipulation

Manipulation (n) is a  behavior designed to exploit, control, or otherwise influence others to one’s advantage. 

Emotional manipulation occurs when a manipulative person seeks power over someone else and employs dishonest or exploitive strategies to gain it. Unlike people in healthy relationships, which demonstrate reciprocity and cooperation, an emotional manipulator likes to use, control, to have the upper hand, have power, and feels safe, this toxicity leads to what we call Emotional Abuse.

Emotional Abuse

Few days ago, an argument with a friend took me back to my childhood memories , the conversation took a turn I did not expect, while I was expressing my frustration, my friend reacted saying ” Maybe one day we can be better friends, until then take care”. I felt disheartened, as these words took me to all the places in my life, I felt abandoned and misuderstood.

Even after clearing the air with my friend! I could not let go of the spoken words, and I started questioning myself, my apology, was it genuine? or out of fear of loss? do I want to have a friend who manipulates me like this? is this connection real? Obviously, this was said in an angry reaction, which my friend did not mean? but I cannot seem to calm my internal conflict, I even thought of putting an end to this friendship, waves of doubts, the foundation of trust I had for this friend was crashing down. then I decided to write about it.

let’s discover Emotional Abuse together?

Emotional abuse is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize. It can be subtle and insidious or overt and manipulative. Either way, it chips away at the victim’s self-esteem and they begin to doubt their perceptions and reality.

The underlying goal of emotional abuse is to control a person by discrediting, isolating, and silencing.

In the end, the manipulated person feels trapped. They are often too wounded to endure the relationship any longer, but also too afraid to leave. So the cycle just repeats itself until something is done.

The definition is very clear, and it made me realize why I was seeing red flags in my situation, I come from a childhood, where I was manipulated emotionally, I was raised in an environment where I felt my needs were insignificant and not important, I could not express how I felt out of fear, fear of punishment, of being abandoned. Hence I was completely silenced.

“We’re all manipulators,” said Melissa stringer a Texas therapist who works with many clients to handle a wide range of individual and interpersonal concerns. “Socially acceptable manipulation, such as smiling and making eye contact, are considered healthy ways to increase the chances of human connection. But when manipulation is used to avoid vulnerability and establish power over others, it becomes unhealthy.”

People who are deliberately manipulative often do so in an attempt to avoid healthier strategies, such as direct communication of their needs or mutual intimacy and Vulnerability

TWELVE COMMON MANIPULATION TACTICS

People can manipulate others using hundreds of tactics. Some of the most common include:

  1. Using the intense emotional connection to control another person’s behavior. For example, an abusive person may try to manipulate a person by moving very quickly in a romantic relationship. They may overwhelm their victim with loving gestures to lower their guard or make them feel indebted.
  2. Playing on a person’s insecurities. This is a popular tactic among advertisers, such as when a cosmetic company makes a person feel unattractive or “old.” It also works well in interpersonal relationships. For instance, someone may make their romantic partner think no one else could ever possibly love them.
  3. Lying and denial. Manipulators may bombard their victims with lies. When they’re caught, they may deny the lie or cover it up with another falsehood.
  4. Hyperbole and generalization. It’s difficult to respond to an allegation of “never” being loving or “never” working hard. Specific details can be debated, while vague accusations are often harder to dispute.
  5. Changing the subject. In an argument about one person’s behavior, the individual may deflect attention from themselves by attacking their critic. The deflection often takes the form of, “Well what about [X]?” For example, when one spouse expresses concern about their partner’s drug use, the partner may attack their spouse’s parenting skills.
  6. Moving the goalposts. This happens when a manipulative person constantly shifts the criteria one must meet in order to satisfy them. For example, a bully may use their coworker’s clothes as an excuse to harass them. If the individual changes outfits, the bully may claim the person won’t “deserve” professional respect until they change their hairstyle, their accent, or another miscellaneous trait.
  7. Using fear to control another person. For instance, a person may use threats of violence or physically intimidating body language.
  8. Using social inequities to control another person. For example, a neurotypical person might attempt to use a cognitive disability to demean another person or dismiss their experiences.
  9. Passive-aggression. This is a broad category of behavior that includes many strategies such as guilt-tripping, giving backhanded compliments, and more. Passive- aggression is a way of voicing displeasure or anger without directly expressing the emotion.
  10. Giving a person the silent treatment. It’s fine to ask for time to reflect on an argument or to tell someone who deeply hurt you that you no longer wish to speak to them. But ignoring a person to punish them or make them fearful is a manipulative tactic.
  11. Gaslighting involves causing the manipulation victim to doubt their own understanding of reality. For example, an abusive person might deny that the abuse happened, telling the victim there’s something wrong with their memory.
  12. Recruiting others to help with manipulation. For example, an abusive parent might ask family members to remind a child how much the parent has sacrificed for the child. The social pressure may convince the child to stop complaining about abusive behavior.

A manipulative person may combine these tactics or alternate between them depending on the context.

WHY DO PEOPLE MANIPULATE OTHERS?

Not all manipulation has malicious intent, even when it causes immense harm. Some common reasons people engage in manipulation include:

  • Poor communication skills. Some people may be uncomfortable with direct communication. Others may have grown up in houses where manipulation was the norm.
  • A desire to avoid connection. Some people treat others as means to an end and use manipulation to control them. This is sometimes a symptom of a personality disorder such as a narcissistic personality.
  • Fear. People may engage in manipulation out of fear, especially fear of abandonment. This often happens during breakups or relationship fights.
  • Defensiveness. Manipulation can be a way of avoiding blame. While some people avoid blame as a way to control or abuse another person, others do so because they fear judgment, have low self-esteem or struggle to face their own shortcomings.
  • Social norms. Some forms of manipulation are normal, and perhaps even beneficial. For example, most people learn that it is important to be friendly and cheerful around work colleagues in order to professionally advance.
  • Marketing, advertising, and other financial or political incentives. Entire industries are dedicated to manipulating people’s emotions to change their minds, convince them to buy products, or urge them to vote a certain way.

“In many cases, manipulative individuals were not taught effective communication skills. Or worse, they were punished by an influential figure for expressing needs or wants. As a result, the original means for connecting get overridden and replaced by strategies centered around avoiding any sense of fault. This is adequately achieved in two primary ways: indirect communication and a refusal to be accountable for actions,” Stringer emphasizes.

PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

If you have fallen for manipulative tactics in the past, know that you are not at fault. Nearly everyone is manipulated at some point. There’s no way to prevent all manipulation.

However, a number of strategies can reduce the impact of emotional manipulation and help you set clear boundaries. These include:

  • Communicating in direct, clear, and specific ways: clear and direct communication models the behavior you hope for in your relationships and can make it easier to identify manipulation.
  • Understanding when manipulation is normal and when it’s not. Most people occasionally make passive-aggressive or manipulative comments. Manipulation is more problematic, and may even be abusive when it is part of a systemic attempt to control or harm another person.
  • Setting clear boundaries around manipulation. When a person attempts to manipulate you, tell them how you want them to treat you and then follow your own guideline. For example, “Mom, I understand that you sacrificed a lot for me, but that doesn’t mean you get to belittle me. I can’t talk to you about this until you’re willing to stop changing the subject.”
  • Asking for insight from trusted third parties. This can be risky since manipulative people sometimes recruit outsiders. But if you have a spouse, friend, or family member whom you can trust to be objective, they may offer helpful insights.

Victims of chronic manipulation and emotional abuse may find relief in therapy. A therapist can work with you to identify manipulation, break free from an abusive relationship, and reduce the risk of being trapped in a relationship such again. In therapy, you’ll develop healthy boundaries and work through any reluctance you have to enforce those boundaries.

Last but not least, while our family, friends, and partners might have good intentions, but their behavior might be toxic due to the poor communication tools they were exposed to. This article enlightened me on the different ways I myself can be manipulative towards others.

I can’t help but call for awareness in our communication with people, nowadays, we tend to hurt, dismiss, and under-estimate people’s emotions, without any consideration of these people’s wounds, and emotional and mental health.

Be the light!

Posted on by ikram0408@gmail.com

THE POWER OF SURRENDER

If you grew up like me, with a disciplined and strict up-bringing, challenged to be self-sufficient from a very young age, to plan for everything in your life, with very little left to fate, this is definitely a very relevant topic for you.

So with such background, I figured out in my childhood, that in order to make it in a competitive and challenging world, I had to develop a central ego, to make sure that I am protected, resulting in a lonely wolf, a warrior, type of personality, the notion of asking for help rarely occurred to me. Of course this doesn’t come without a price, the pressure I put on myself was overbearing, and it led to intense level of anxiety. The irony is until very recently, I had a strong believe that this is who I am, this is my identity, until the illusion was unveiled, and I realised that this was a defence mechanism I have that worked for me, and it kept me safe throughout my challenging days, and my subconscious was holding on to it desperately, that I was in total denial of its shadow element.

In a nutshell, the most frightening situation for me, was anything that involves uncertainty, not knowing what the future holds for me, with such mindset, the most difficult thing to do is to loosen your grip, to let go of the need to control every situation, to SURRENDER!

What is the meaning of Surrender ?

There is a Sufi tale of a man on a quest who finds himself trapped in a huge public bath. The man is alone and knows that if he does not escape he will die. A parrot suddenly appears and tells him that if he can shoot it with his bow and arrow, he will be free. The man has three arrows and quickly fires the first. The parrot flutters into the air, and the man misses. The man turns to stone from the feet to the waist. He fires a second arrow, misses, and turns to stone up to the shoulders. He has one arrow left. What should he do? If he misses a third time he is dead.

This riddle beautifully illustrates the challenge of those times when our conventional ego strategies fall apart and will actually lead to our demise if we go on. The story ends when the man closes his eyes, says, “God is great,” and fires the arrow. This time he hits the parrot and is freed. When faced with no other options, he has to give up to something greater than himself to find a different source of resolution.

What do we surrender?

We surrender the “I”, “the Ego”, the conditioned separate self which operates from a set of beliefs, thoughts…etc together with all attachments to the attachments to the established identity, to our surroundings… in another words, we surrender our need to be individuals.

To understand the psychological meaning of this, it is worth mentioning Carl Jung’ theory on individuation. Jung used the term individuation “to denote a process of becoming a psychological ‘individual,’ that is, a separate, indivisible unity .” To individuate is to gradually actualize our innate capacity to live as a unique individual.

Jung recognized that there would be times on this journey when we are challenged to surrender the central dominance of ego to the deeper significance of what he called the “Self.” For Jung, “Self ” refers to the center of our totality—a deeper seat of wisdom that holds a sense of our innate potential as we unfold in our lives. He was not implying that the Self had some kind of ultimate existence, but that it is nevertheless experienced as a center of wholeness, just as the ego is experienced as a center of consciousness. The Self individuates us—that is to say, its “intention” is that we evolve in such a way that the relationship between the ego and the Self matures. At certain times on our journey, the ego begins to realize that it is not the prime mover, that there are forces at work that have far greater influence. The Self asserts a kind of psychological pressure on us to change and become whole, a pressure that can be extremely disquieting as the ego loses its safe, familiar ground. A major aspect of this undercurrent of change is the need to shift our understanding of what is really at the center of our lives. The shift of emphasis from the ego to the Self has been described as the shift from “I will” to “Thy will be done.”

To whom we surrender?

Surrendering can not be achieved if we do not have faith and trust in a bigger powers, it requires listening to the voice of truth and wisdom residing in our heart, instead of the voice of fear and doubt caused by our Ego, it is basically letting go to some deeper sense of purpose.

Surrender and Spiritual Awakening

Photo by Rodolfo Clix on Pexels.com

The process of surrender begins with fear, our ego feels threatened by the truth, so the anxiety kicks in, as a defence mechanism to stop us from listening to our intuition, to our instincts, to the voice of our own truth, creating a paralysing fear of the unknown, which can vary from the fear of the future, fear of death, fear of taking a certain decision or following a certain path.

The key to surrender is letting go of control and resistance to what is, and instead accepting and working with the energy of the universe instead of working against it. However, surrendering does not mean sitting back and waiting, but having an active role in your life, but once you put on the work, planted the seeds, and made clear intentions, you can relax, trust and wait for your harvest.\

To wrap up this, I have learnt to differentiate between the energy of surrender and the energy of resistance, when I am in flow, peaceful, breathing easily, my awareness level is pretty high, and I am able to see the bigger picture, I know for a fact that I am in surrender mode. however, I can detect the resistance or forcing mode, when I tend to narrow my mind and go into the nitty gritty details, trying to control the How, when and who? , when the fear and resistance take over, I immediately become anxious, doubtful of self and others, with a very clouded vision, with time I have learnt to bring myself back to the present moment, by grounding, meditation, spending time in nature… I still do that mechanically, practising surrender, like they say fake it until you make it!!

LET GO AND LET GOD IN!!

Be the light!

Posted on by ikram0408@gmail.com

Re-thinking Rejection

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A Curse or Blessing!!

When was the last time you experienced rejection? Was it a parent who was never present enough for you? was it a guy or relationship you thought was worth investing in, and you were proved wrong? was it a boss who overlooked you for a promotion? or someone who thought you were never good enough, no matter what you did?

Rejection may seem like a curse, an enemy, it is disheartening, it makes you feel you are not good enough, and pushes you to question your self-worth and value, but in fact, if you take sometime to think about it consciously, away from the EGO games, because if you think about it, its the Ego who gets rejected and no one else. So once you calm your emotions, you will realised that Rejection is your best friend, you can use is as a catalyst for success and a proof of your high value. instead of internalising it and making it about you, change your perception and look start looking at it as a development tool, a massive catalyst for your success, instead of a humiliating force.

Rejection as a Projection

Before getting discouraged or start doubting yourself, think that rejection can be a projection of the other person’s own insecurities, and has nothing to do with you. In life we encounter different kind of people, some of them are using projection as a defense mechanism, and defense mechanisms are used to cope with feelings and emotions that we have trouble expressing or coming to terms with,

We attract people into our lives who mirror BOTH extremities within us, so that we can have the opportunity be aware of our own dichotomy. The law of attraction responds to both extremes. We are a perfect match to them, even though they seem to be the opposite of us, because that denied self is still part of us and is still therefore, subject to the law of attraction. But these people tend to be our opposing mirror. They reflect the attribute we suppressed and we reflect the aspect that they suppressed. current concept of projection suggests that someone who is projecting, is projecting their own denied self onto someone who doesn’t have those traits at all. But projection is a two way street. Often what we project onto someone IS actually a trait that they possess as well and we only recognize it because it causes a flare up of the wound of that rejected aspect within ourselves. Also, to have someone project upon us, we have to be a vibrational match to that experience, meaning that the experience of being projected upon is also reflecting something that is being denied within ourselves. So instead of falling into negative thinking, own the situation and transform it into a success a story:

I will share with you a tool I am using when I am experiencing a strong emotion or an uncomfortable situation in my life.

first calm your mind and go inward, then ask yourself the 3 below Questions :

  1. What is this?
  2. why I am experiencing it?
  3. How Can I change it?

  1. What is this ?

This question will help you identify the emotion triggered in you when you experienced rejection, what are you feeling, where is it located in your body, and what physical sensations comes with it.

2. Why I am Experiencing this?

When you ask why, you are now exploring your subconscious mind, you are basically looking for your “STORY” here, everyone of us has a repertoire of stories cultivated based on previous experiences, and we keep on feeding that story, and if we are not able to face it, we dive into the illusion of being a victim of our circumstances.

3. How Can I change it?

Now is the time to take charge of your life, to change the narrative of your story, to understand that the world is not there to get you, and that you are not a victim, but you are an active performer in this play, called LIFE.

So use this opportunity to explore new part of yourself, to call back fragmented parts of your soul that you keep rejecting, embrace them and know that you are WHOLE.

Rejection as a Protection

Sometimes, God or the Universe removes people, or situations from your life because they are not just for you, either you are supposed to be somewhere else, with someone else, or doing something completely different, which is in line with your life path and your destiny. Rather than believing that life is against you, open your heart and trust in what is unfolding for you, Surrender, don’t resist it. And I promise, you will go through a life changing experience and you will be grateful for the journey that leads you to where you are and who you are, you will feel blessed for the rejection which initially was a Protection for your heart and soul.

Be The Light!

Posted on by ikram0408@gmail.com

Addictions and Childhood Trauma

How parenting shaped who we are today?

This article was inspired by a “Youtube Video” shared by my best friend, the video was one of Dr. Gabor Mate lectures about addictions and childhood, Dr. Mate is a renowned speaker, and bestselling author, he is highly sought after for his expertise on a range of topics including addiction, stress and childhood development.

What Blew my mind was The Incredible synchronicity and the timing of this video, as I was fully submerged in my own internal process, and reading one of his books “ In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts” which is basically a close encounter with people with severe addictions as a consequence of a traumatised childhood.

The lecture had a double impact on me; I felt it was both comforting; I had a moment of clarity; I felt the divine heard my prayers, and graced me with answers, my life experiences are finally making sense, and I felt a huge responsibility, to share this and make a difference, it may be insignificant in the ego eye, but if one person benefit from it one day, that is ENOUGH for me, hence I couldn’t fight the urge to write about it.

What is Addiction?

A person with an addiction uses a substance, or engages in a behavior, for which the rewarding effects provide an interesting incentive to repeat the activity, despite detrimental consequences. Substance Addiction may involve the use of substances such as alcohol, inhalants, opioids, cocaine, and nicotine, or behaviors such as gambling, shopping, exercising, gaming, sex, Love, Tv, Internet…etc.

The Difference between Physical and behavioural Addiction?

Addiction can occur in many forms. Often, it is assumed that physical dependence characterized by withdrawal symptoms is required in order for someone to be diagnosed with an addiction disorder, but the fact is that behavioural addiction can occur with all the negative consequences in a person’s life minus the physical issues faced by people who compulsively engage in drug and alcohol abuse.

It is the compulsive nature of the behavior that indicates a behavioral addiction, or process addiction, in an individual. The compulsion to continually engage in an activity or behavior despite the negative impact on the person’s ability to remain mentally and/or physically healthy and functional in the home and community defines behavior addictions. The person may find the behavior rewarding psychologically or get a “high” while engaged in the activity but may later feel guilt, remorse, or even overwhelmed by the consequences of that continued choice.

Why Do we get addicted?

Behavioral addictions exist in a gray area in addiction. Technically, the only medically recognized behavioral addiction is gambling disorder. Formerly classified as an impulse control disorder, gambling disorder was reclassified in 2013 as an addictive disorder in the DSM-5 (the official reference guide for diagnosing mental illnesses).I saw this reclassification as significant because it was the first formal recognition that behavioral addictions exist.

What is alarming here is while addiction to physical substances is treated and also recognized and acknowledged by society? It does not give behavioral addiction that much importance, although they share the same importance and detrimental effect on the brain neurological flow, and to get the situation even worse, the addictive behavior is welcomed and approved in our modern society and is considered NORMAL.

Dr. Gabor Mate links all kinds of addictions to Childhood Traumas, the parenting we received, and the way we were treated, and how we felt in our home environment. So we grew up as dysfunctional insecure, unloved adults, wounded, disconnected from the “SELF”, so addictions a coping mechanism to find pleasure, comfort, to release stress…in other words, to be in AVOIDANCE to look at our wounds.

Most of us have been the fruit of unconscious parenting (no blaming to our parents, they did what they could with the limited emotional maturity and consciousness they had), we have been compared to other kids: siblings, cousins, neighbors…etc as an incentive to be better which affected our confidence, self-esteem, others of us felt guilty for growing in dysfunctional homes, where anger and verbal/physical abuse was the only communication they knew off, and they blamed it on themselves“ Its ME” “It’s because of ME”, and others experienced the emotional and/or physical absence of one or both parents… etc, hence the addictive tendencies of the whole society to obsessive consumption of social media, mobile phones, food, makeup …etc

The Connection to your SOUL

I can’t help but Quote Rumi on one of the closest quotes to my heart

“When the World pushes you to your knees, you are in the perfect position to PRAY”

We all have been through ups and downs in our lives, but it is always the cry of our soul that brings us back to the source, the source of who WE ARE.

Anxiety, Depression, Melangomy are ways our soul is crying for our attention, and calling us back to the path of LOVE and LIGHT, reminding us we are LOVED and BLESSED by the Divine and that all is well if we have the courage to embrace our emotions if we feel our feelings instead of avoiding them. The journey back to the soul is worth it, it is not an easy one, can be painful & lonely but avoidance also is full of shame, fear, and pain.

Be Brave and Never give up hope on yourself or your loved ones, be mindful in your communication with everyone, you don’t know what they have been through, be gentle and kind with yourself, with your fragile inner child, he/she has been already through a lot, give them love and compassion, nurture and hold space for them.

And last but not least, if you are planning on having kids, please be Mindful & Conscious, and make sure you are READY for such responsibility.

Be the Light!

Posted on by ikram0408@gmail.com

All or Nothing

The Illusion of being PERFECT

I have always thought of Perfectionism as a positive trait that leads to increase our chances to succeed, and feeds our non-ending strive to be the best, but a few years back when I started dipping into spirituality, I started realizing how it can lead to self-defeating thoughts, self-sabotage, stress, anxiety, and many more serious mental illnesses if we stay in denial and not address this serious mental disorder.

“All or nothing” is the highlight of a perfectionist behavior, the inferior ego whispers in your ear that either you are the best, or you will be the worst, this negative thinking has always blocked me from having a full experience, I always wanted to plan carefully, control all risks, even predict the outcome. In whatever I did, there was always a fear of failure hindering in my subconscious.

I guess the situation is so clear to you now, on the contrary of what people might perceive of a perfectionist, he or she always feels worthless if they can’t see their accomplishments manifested in their physical reality the same way they wanted it at first instance, so much energy is spent trying to keep life in order, making lists, overworking yet getting a little pay comparing to the time and effort invested.

The strive for excellence can be directed towards academic achievements or social status, and it has been developed as a result of conditioned love by one or both parents in childhood, having to obey extreme and unbalanced standards to be validated.

The disorder starts when parents have used harsh criticism or shaming whenever their standards are not met, hence the child subconscious had to find a coping mechanism to avoid all the negative emotions he or she was experiencing such as shame, rejection, judgment being excluded, not feeling loved and accepted.

It is also interesting to mention that when we are not balanced, we create more imbalance. In the constant search to be Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, we are working with unattainable standards that keeps intimidating everyone around us, friends, colleagues, romantic partners, and without realizing it, we send energetic messages with our behaviors putting so much pressure on people in our social circle, causing their retreat and need to leave our lives because they can never match our expectations. Hence we get trapped in an ongoing cycle of rejection and isolation.

The first step toward changing any habit is to see where you are under its thumb. There are many expressions of perfectionist behavior, and some are less obvious than others. Are you a neat freak? Do you compare yourself unfavorably to other people, or are you always noticing other people’s faults? Do you do everything over four or five times, or are you the perfectionist who is so afraid of failure that you won’t even start? Once you’ve observed where perfectionism manifests in your life, explore the way your body feels when your inner perfectionist has the floor. Where in your body does perfectionism live?

Now that you have defined it, acknowledge the emotions and thoughts that you experience once your perfectionist character takes the floor, Ideally, the best way to change this pattern is by cultivating self-love, the bottom of this matter is the continuous strive for love, hence the cure is love but this time, not anyone’s love but your own love:

  1. Practice Compassion towards yourself, be tender and understanding,

2. Watch your negative thoughts, your inner criticism, writing is an amazing tool you can use in this department, it will help you track your thoughts & emotions, hence identifying the pattern and navigate through it.

3. Relax more, give yourself permission to just relax, not engage or commit in any activity or work at least once a week.

4. Stay in the Now, in the present moment, without worrying about the future or thinking of the past. Breathing exercises ‘Pranayam’ and meditation are great tools to always bring your awareness to the Now.

4. Let Go! Of control, trust yourself, and have Faith.

By letting go, you Let the light in!

Let me know how does perfectionism manifest in your life, what are you doing to deal with it? I would love to hear from you.

Be the Light!

Posted on by ikram0408@gmail.com

PS I love You

Your Journey to unconditional love

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Humanity is constantly in pursuit of Love, All of us have an intense desire to be loved and nurtured. The need to be loved could be considered one of our most basic and fundamental needs.

What is the definition of “LOVE”?

In the dictionary, love is the feeling of liking another and/or being romantically and sexually attracted to him.

So we spend our life looking for love through the perfect romantic partnership, the genuine friendship or the most harmonious community, and experiencing different emotions: love, lust, regret, guilt, shame, disappointment, rejection, abandonment… etc. until we end up either leaving the relationship because it doesn’t match the platonic story we had in mind, or we choose miserably to stay and endure it, convincing ourselves that life is not supposed to be easy and that nobody is perfect, and all the other excuses we always find to justify to our inner voice that we don’t have another choice.

In fact, there is nobody to blame here, this is part of our growth and of our path of self-discovery, in many relationships, we attract the person (s) which mirrors our wounds, who would embody all the wrong behaviors (in our perception) to show us what we need to be aware of in ourselves, in another word, you attract what you vibrate, so if you have a history of unhealed rejection, you will attract people who cannot commit, or who would ghost you from time to time, this will cause you more fear of rejection, and will push you to realize your own challenges. It’s like a radio receiver, you only receive the channel if you have the right frequency .

What happens when we get into a Relationship?

So we usually walk into a relationship with our own baggage, our beliefs, experiences, stories, and most important we walk with EXPECTATIONS… etc and so does the other person too, then we move to get to the “getting to know each other” or the “Honey Moon” phase, where both partners are making big efforts to impress each other. Then, reality hits, and we face all the hidden aspects of our partner’s personality which we could not see before (blind love), and that’s because we were hypnotised by the attention, care, and love we were receiving and we voluntarily chose to dismiss it.

This is where we face our maturity test, so we have two choices, either we fall into the victimhood mentality, and we start blaming the self and other, or we take ownership and responsibility of the situation, and ask simple questions: What is this teaching me? What is there for me? How can I transform this?

This simple exercise will shift your focus from “this has been done to me”, to “this has been done for me”, so I can cultivate awareness and become conscious of my wounds.

The Spiritual Love

In Yogic tradition, we consider relationships -such as marriage — as the highest Yoga, why is that?: for many reasons, one of them is: In yoga practices, you are required to hold postures for a few minutes, even if it’s painful and breathe through it until a feeling of ease is experienced, and this is the scenario we are faced with in times of distress, we do not walk out or stay in denial, but we take responsibility and we look at the issue no matter how painful it is, and we stay in the present, the Now, because we know that by embracing and acknowledging the pain we will grow, this leads us to a deep knowing that the other person is ME, there is no separation, we are ONE, and we are here to poke, provoke and uplift each other using different life scenarios.

The spiritual love -in my humble opinion- is what we should all be aiming for, it is a conscious love with a higher purpose aiming to bring individuals into their field of total awareness, and uplift them to a higher state of consciousness. When you love someone, you show an act of selflessness , you are vulnerable and open to receive them fully in your heart with total acceptance and non-judgment, hence both of you have a high potential to awaken to your highest potential through this relationship.

To conclude, our search of love is a result of a deep feeling of separation from the divine, but throughout our journey, we learn to see the divine in every being, by letting go of judgments, anger & resentment, by forgiving and accepting everyone including the self with love, mercy, and compassion. this is the higher form of love, the “Unconditional Love” that brings us to Union with ourselves, and with the Divine in Everyone.

Lots of love 💖

Posted on by ikram0408@gmail.com

The Art of Vulnerability

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Are you brave enough to be vulnerable?

This might sound weird to you, Vulnerability and Courage may seem like two extremes, but in reality, it takes so much courage from a person to show his vulnerability in relationships, to open up his heart and be prepared to get hurt by the other person.

What is Vulnerability?

Vulnerability is being open to be criticised, judged, and even hurt by other individuals, it’s having the courage to take risks despite the uncertainty, is taking a leap of faith even if you do not understand what the outcome will be, it’s showing up no matter what, having integrity and commitment.

Dr. Brené Brown, a researcher who has done lots of research on vulnerability, and is the author of the #1 New York Times bestselling book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, has used a phrase in her 2010 TEDx Houston talk, The Power of Vulnerability, which is one of the top ten most viewed TED talks in the world.

The phrase Daring Greatly was quoted from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech “Citizenship in a Republic.” The speech sometimes referred to as “The Man in the Arena,”:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does not strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat”- Theodore Roosevelt

I love this quote, there is no vulnerability without daring, most of us have developed a fear of the unknown at some stage, a fear of failure, of being criticized, because of social conditioning. Some take risks, they prefer to experience with total faith, surrender, and acceptance of the outcome, others choose not to, thus they prioritize staying in their comfort zone, they cannot let go of control, of the outcome, because it has to be the way they want it to be and since they have no guarantee, they miss the whole experience, the experience of life! The MISS LIVING!

In our modern society, vulnerability is mistaken for weakness. Mostly, people believe that we all should wear armor, that we should protect ourselves from heartbreaks, disappointments, criticism… etc.

we live in a world where people first instinct is to doubt you when they first encounter you, and it becomes your responsibility to prove them wrong to win their trust, so we completely miss the fun part, the authentic human experience, acting and being who we truly are, facing life with wide open arms, choosing to show up, to be seen, to have no masks on, to be fully exposed, and having a deep understanding that with this choice comes a 50/50 probability of either failure or success.

Although I don’t believe that there is any loss here because when we take a chance we grow and we learn about the life, each time we engage in a new relationship, we get to unfold another aspect of ourself and of the other person; we expand our horizons and discover alternative possibilities and ways of living and being; we heal our wounded parts, and throughout this journey, we experience Joy, one of our birthrights, we explore what freedom means, and how it feels to be free and carefree, not having to calculate any of our doings or sayings, we become innovative and creative; we create from a space of freedom and love.

Being heartbroken or fooled, Judged or hurt does not diminish the impact of the experience of being vulnerable, because we already lived it, it is part of us now, it’s true it did not go the way we had wished, but it will shape who we are and through it, we gained so much wisdom, if we get hurt, we learn with time that it’s via a broken heart that we get to develop and awaken to the true meaning of love, that the more shattered our hearts are, the more light goes in, that trough grief and sadness, we cultivate mercy and compassion; we become more sensitive and empathic to our surroundings, so there is only winning.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart so that fresh leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” — Rumi

Let your soul guide you!

The Soul will always choose love because that is its essence! It is pure Love and Light. The Ego, however, will try to protect you by inducing fear in your thoughts, trying to stop you from being vulnerable,

We should live life from the source of our internal power that comes from the soul, listening to our intuition or the soul’s voice which always whispers wise words coming from a place of love and strength.

When the ego’s voice arises, we should acknowledge it. Thank the ego for looking out for us and release it from its duties. Bow to your broken heart in gratitude, for if it hadn’t shattered, you would have never been initiated on this path to your soul awakening.

Embrace the beauty of your soul. Feel it. Let it guide you. and always TRUST…that you are Divinely guided.

Lots of Love💕