The Illusion of being PERFECT
I have always thought of Perfectionism as a positive trait that leads to increase our chances to succeed, and feeds our non-ending strive to be the best, but a few years back when I started dipping into spirituality, I started realizing how it can lead to self-defeating thoughts, self-sabotage, stress, anxiety, and many more serious mental illnesses if we stay in denial and not address this serious mental disorder.
“All or nothing” is the highlight of a perfectionist behavior, the inferior ego whispers in your ear that either you are the best, or you will be the worst, this negative thinking has always blocked me from having a full experience, I always wanted to plan carefully, control all risks, even predict the outcome. In whatever I did, there was always a fear of failure hindering in my subconscious.
I guess the situation is so clear to you now, on the contrary of what people might perceive of a perfectionist, he or she always feels worthless if they can’t see their accomplishments manifested in their physical reality the same way they wanted it at first instance, so much energy is spent trying to keep life in order, making lists, overworking yet getting a little pay comparing to the time and effort invested.
The strive for excellence can be directed towards academic achievements or social status, and it has been developed as a result of conditioned love by one or both parents in childhood, having to obey extreme and unbalanced standards to be validated.
The disorder starts when parents have used harsh criticism or shaming whenever their standards are not met, hence the child subconscious had to find a coping mechanism to avoid all the negative emotions he or she was experiencing such as shame, rejection, judgment being excluded, not feeling loved and accepted.
It is also interesting to mention that when we are not balanced, we create more imbalance. In the constant search to be Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, we are working with unattainable standards that keeps intimidating everyone around us, friends, colleagues, romantic partners, and without realizing it, we send energetic messages with our behaviors putting so much pressure on people in our social circle, causing their retreat and need to leave our lives because they can never match our expectations. Hence we get trapped in an ongoing cycle of rejection and isolation.
The first step toward changing any habit is to see where you are under its thumb. There are many expressions of perfectionist behavior, and some are less obvious than others. Are you a neat freak? Do you compare yourself unfavorably to other people, or are you always noticing other people’s faults? Do you do everything over four or five times, or are you the perfectionist who is so afraid of failure that you won’t even start? Once you’ve observed where perfectionism manifests in your life, explore the way your body feels when your inner perfectionist has the floor. Where in your body does perfectionism live?
Now that you have defined it, acknowledge the emotions and thoughts that you experience once your perfectionist character takes the floor, Ideally, the best way to change this pattern is by cultivating self-love, the bottom of this matter is the continuous strive for love, hence the cure is love but this time, not anyone’s love but your own love:
- Practice Compassion towards yourself, be tender and understanding,
2. Watch your negative thoughts, your inner criticism, writing is an amazing tool you can use in this department, it will help you track your thoughts & emotions, hence identifying the pattern and navigate through it.
3. Relax more, give yourself permission to just relax, not engage or commit in any activity or work at least once a week.
4. Stay in the Now, in the present moment, without worrying about the future or thinking of the past. Breathing exercises ‘Pranayam’ and meditation are great tools to always bring your awareness to the Now.
4. Let Go! Of control, trust yourself, and have Faith.
By letting go, you Let the light in!
Let me know how does perfectionism manifest in your life, what are you doing to deal with it? I would love to hear from you.
Be the Light!